we spend

an afwul lot of time inquiring after the quality of each others' visits to big chef.

d'you know what else is awesome?

snow days. getting to hang around the house all day with your wife. reading trivial pursuit cards to one another all night long. falling asleep on the couch with your wife's toes curled under you. turning the tv off. creating fun games to play while snowed in, like rolling a soccer ball back and forth across the room. your wife suggesting, somewhere in the neighborhood of 11:00 pm, that you bundle up and go out for a romp in the snow. your wife making fun of you when you resist. realizing your wife is incredible and that it really wasn't that cold outside, sure it was in the negative teens and there was a blizzard warning for the entire state, but with four jackets and two pairs of pants, it wasn't so bad. your wife getting aggressive with the stay-inside-games you've invented and nearly breaking a prized kentucky tchotchke. snow angels with an an angel of a a wife. sliding in snow in the dark. the warmth of the house, the confused look of the cat. snow days. the phrase "kentucky tchotchke." these things are also fucking awesome...

you know what's fucking awesome?

scene: husband and wife lying on the couch, heads at opposite ends, leisurely reading each other trivial pursuit cards from the 1981 edition. snow falls constant and pretty outside.


j: yugoslavia.

m: no.

j: chile.

m: no.

j: the u.s.s.r.?

m:

j (flexing toes in m's face): my toes are cold

m:

j (sticking toes inside m's t-shirt sleeve): see?

m:

j (forcefully thrusting cold toes into m's armpit): see? see? OH THAT'S BETTER AAAAAHHHHH

m (squirming) : eeeeeeeeeee! stopit! stopitstopitstopit!! it feels weeeeeeeeeird!!!

j (chasing squirrely armpit with cold toes): HEEEHEEEHEEEE

m (like a little girl): EEEEEE NO NO NO HEHEHEHEE NOOOOOOO

Sick Beets

1. a wife always laughs at dumb puns

2. a husband indulges an affinity for expensive but low-quality coffee

3. someone always throws the soccer ball too hard in the house and it ends up being like that berenstain bears book about the lies but no one yells at anyone because all the cool shit in the house is theirs and if they break it it's their own crap that they broke, not some antique thingy that uncle louie brought home from the war, and they can probably replace it really quick anyway because, let's be honest, they probably bought it from target in the first place

4. a husband sometimes makes up a song that goes "oopsie, poopsie, think i made a whoopsie" and sings it at max volume until he gets attention

5. a wife toils all day to fill the sink with extremely dirty dishes just because she knows a husband kind of likes to do the dishes

6. when husbands and wives try, for the first time, to cook beets together, they both give them a fair shot. they get their hands all beetbloody together. they give them a roast. they try and they try and even though they both decide they don't like beets they congratulate each other on the painstaking beet-liking effort they've made